Blood Memory 血的記憶 by Martha Graham
“ I never thought of myself as being what they call a genius. I don’t know what genius is. I think a far better expression is a retriever, a lovely strong golden retriever that brings things back from the past, or retrieves things from our common blood memory. I think that by every act you do, whether in religion, politics, or sex – you reveal yourself. This, to me, is one of the wonderful things in life. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do – to show the laughing, the fun, the appetite, all of it through dance.”
“That is life for me. My life. How does it all begin? I suppose it never begins. It just continues. And one…”
念完她的自傳隨興地把書裡的照片翻過一遍, 先是年輕的小女孩, 然後青少女, 然後成熟, 然後老去, 消逝..一本書, 一個人生..
她很執著 很孤獨 很高傲 很熱情 很誠實
對她感興趣是因為許芳宜
我讀了 她口述的自傳 “不怕和世界不一樣” 後就深受感動, 尤其是她提到在紐約一個人都不認識, 沒有人在身邊幫助是理所當然的事情, 住在一開燈後蟑螂奔逃的破爛公寓, 追求夢想的孤獨, 對所愛的執著..讓我想起剛到紐約那種恐懼, 第一次要面對完全西方的環境, 得寸進尺的上司, 苛刻的房東, 窮, 生病, 不知道流了多少眼淚. ..我臉書上給她寄了一封信..讓她知道有人可以呼應她曾有過的心酸.
來到紐約即將要第六年了
回首過去的日子, 少部分想要完成的事情實現了, 但是 大部分的過程幾乎都是失敗, 一度覺得很迷失, 覺得留在紐約的成本太高, 我捨棄了在台灣與家人朋友相處的時間, 一個溫暖舒適的環境, 想要追求那根本就不知如何開始追求的生命意義, 自我成長, 我不停嘗試, 不停失敗…她是這麼說的:
“I am a dancer. I believe that we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living. The principle is the same.”
像是舞蹈要透過練習, 人生也是練習的過程吧. 我以前是用很單純的標準來衡量我自己, 離開台灣的八年來充滿了挑戰, 其實我應該要開心, 因為我成功地從失敗中學習到很多的人生課題, 算是好好地練習了一回…
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